How to Confront Difficult People

Conflict resolution in difficult conversations requires firm but clear messages. Elinor Whitmore shows how to confront a difficult person with an issue they have been ignoring.

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Here’s the video link of the transcript below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rlmu8edO89s

{Transcript}

So confronting would be when you need to speak with somebody—maybe for the third or fourth time—about something that they’ve done, and you need to up the ante because you’ve already talked with them about it a couple of times and it continues to be an issue. Or the thing that they’ve done, right out of the gate, is so unacceptable that you’re not going to have one, two, three conversations in the hope that they change it. You need to confront them right away and say, “It’s not okay.”

In those situations, you insert a step after naming your contribution, which is to identify what’s at stake if they don’t change their behavior. We’re even encouraged to use that language: “what’s at stake.” So let me give you an example.

I had a friend who called me up one day—her son had taken the family car without her permission. When I was speaking with her, she was all up in arms about it. She said, “He’s taken the car,” and she was really upset. She said, “I’m going to confront him,” and she knew about these steps. So we’re walking through the steps, and I’m trying to be mindful of her emotional tenor. We get to the part about what’s at stake, so I asked, “What’s at stake here? What’s the consequence if he does this again?” And she said, “If he does this again, I will be so mad.” I said, “Okay, let’s take a look at this situation,” because I knew he’d already done it a couple of times.

I said, “When he did it the other times, were you mad then?” She said, “Yeah, but I’ll be really mad now.” The thing about what’s at stake is that it has to matter to the person you’re speaking to. I think we could see that her son had already done a cost-benefit analysis: “I could be out with my friends in my mom’s car, having a fun time with a mad mother at home, or I could be at home with my boring little sister watching television while all my friends are out—and have a happy mom. Which one do I choose?” Well, we’ve seen which one he chose—he’s busily driving downtown in her car.

So her being mad isn’t enough at stake for him. I reminded her that what’s at stake needs to matter to the person you’re speaking with. Then she said, “The only thing he seems to care about is girls. Maybe if I said to him, ‘If you take the car again, you will never have a girlfriend,’ that would get his attention.” Again, I tried to be careful because I understood she was upset, and I said, “I’m sure it would get his attention—but is it something that’s within your power?”

Of course, what’s at stake needs to be something you have control over—a consequence you’re going to impose. So, him not having a girlfriend isn’t a consequence she can realistically impose.

What she said in the end was, “I need to speak with you about the use of the family car. You took it last night without my permission, and I’m very angry. I may have contributed to the situation by not letting you know the last time that this could never happen again. What’s at stake for you here is: if you do this again, you will never be allowed to use the family car under any circumstances. I’d like to try to resolve this with you—do you have anything you need to say?”

I think the last part came out a little sharp; she may have been a bit pinched by the end. But you can see how you name what’s at stake—and we can certainly do that in workplace contexts as well.

It just has to be something that’s within your control—a consequence you’re prepared to impose. Whether it’s that you’re going to speak to the person’s manager or, if you are the manager, you’re going to put a letter in their file—there has to be some consequence if they repeat the action. And then you leave it to them to decide how they want to behave.