What Triggers People in a Difficult Conversation

Elinor Whitmore examines how our values, traits, identity, and self-image can be major triggers of defensive reactions, turning us and others into difficult people.

To learn conflict resolution skills that you can use at work and in your personal life, please visit our Alternative Dispute Resolution Workshop page to learn more about upcoming in-person and instructor-led online sessions.

To improve your negotiation skills and get the results you want while negotiating, please visit our Become a Powerful Negotiator Workshop page to learn more about upcoming in-person and instructor-led online sessions.

To gain skills to handle difficult conversations and difficult people with confidence, please visit our Dealing With Difficult People Workshop page to learn more about upcoming in-person and instructor-led online sessions.

What Triggers People in a Difficult Conversation

Here’s the video link of the transcript below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Od-ocr3Fr_w

{Transcript]

Intro

We’re going to be talking about things that can trigger us in a difficult conversation. I don’t know if you’ve ever had the experience where somebody tells you something about you—and they think you know this about yourself—and you don’t know this about yourself. That happened to me recently. I bought a new computer, and along with the computer, you could buy some tutorials. The tutorials were going to help you set it all up, make it run perfectly, and all of these things. So I did all that.

Then that evening, I had a friend over, and I was telling her about the computer and the tutorials. She said, “Oh my gosh, that’s so great! You’re not going to be a computer loser anymore.” And I looked at her and I said, “Am I a computer loser?” And she said, “No, no, not a loser! It’s just that from now on you’re going to be a computer winner.”

So I use that as an example of a situation where I was perfectly fine in that conversation because I’m not attached to being a computer winner. In fact, I think I know—deep inside me—I am a computer loser. So when she said that, it didn’t trigger me. But if I’d been attached to, if I’d thought that I was really good with computers and suddenly I’m being called a computer loser—that could trigger me.

Now, I think we all know that if somebody says something that feels like a personal attack—and being called a loser, for some, might constitute a personal attack—that could potentially trigger us. What I think is less clear for many of us is that there are other things that can trigger us which don’t come out quite that way—not so much like a personal attack.

Exercise

What I’d like to do is ask you to think about: What are some things that you’re good at? Some of your best qualities. It may be that you’re very creative, or very compassionate, or spontaneous, or well-organized—whatever it is. So just start thinking about some of the things you’re good at.

You can also start thinking about: What are some of your values? What are some of the things that are important to you? Some people really value honesty. Some people place high value on hard work or on giving back to the community. So these are certain values. You may also have certain needs you can think about.

When you pull those things together, it gives you a sense of yourself. And we all have a sense of self. So I’ll use myself as an example: I might like to see myself as being competent, caring, and respectful. I’m attached to those things—those things about myself—as you are attached to the things about yourself.

And chances are, by this age and stage, we’ve got a pretty clear sense of what we’re good at and what our values are—because we’ve been out in the world doing all these things for some time. The beauty of this exercise is—even if we’re hopelessly delusional about what we’re good at, even if we’re completely wrongheaded—it still works.

And it works like this: I asked you to think about what are some of your best qualities, what are some values for you. Then we could take the heading “My Five Best Qualities” and cross it out, replacing it with “My Five Key Triggers.”

Triggers

By that, I mean: If I like to think of myself as being competent, caring, and respectful—and somebody gives me feedback or says something to me that suggests I’ve been incompetent or uncaring or disrespectful—that’s going to be triggering for me. Because it’s going to conflict with my sense of myself.

In that situation, when I’ve been triggered, I’m going to do what many people do. I might resist the information. I might say, “You know, that’s not true. I wasn’t incompetent.” Or I might attack back: “I’m not incompetent—you’re incompetent! You’re the person who gave me the bad research,” or whatever it is.

So I’ve been triggered, and now I’m either defending or attacking. And neither of those things are going to help us in a difficult conversation.

Identifying Triggers

Identifying what might be some of our own triggers requires recognizing that people’s sense of themselves varies dramatically. As I said at the beginning, this exercise works even if you’re hopelessly delusional. For example, I might think I’m the world’s best ballerina—and as I’m sure is clear to you, I’m not—but the idea is, if I believe it about myself, even if it’s objectively untrue to everyone else, a comment suggesting otherwise could trigger me. That’s because, internally, it feels true, and the comment conflicts with my self-concept. So even if it’s not accurate objectively, it’s accurate internally, and the comments are going to hurt my feelings or trigger me in some way. We need to be mindful of that.

Another thing we need to be mindful of is how a person’s sense of themselves can vary dramatically from one person to another. I’ve said that I’m attached to being competent, caring, and respectful, but I am completely unattached to my ability to cook a decent meal. Despite years of effort, I cannot produce a consistently decent meal. So if I invite friends over for dinner and serve what one of my friends calls a “suboptimal” meal, I might feel badly. I might pour more wine and try to order new food—I’ll take action—but my sense of self won’t feel under attack because I’m not attached to being good at cooking. Someone else, say a world-class chef, would feel very differently about the same experience because they have a different identity.

What This Tells Us

So what does this tell us about difficult conversations? First, it teaches us to pay attention not only to obvious triggers like being personally attacked, but also to key elements of our identity—our core values. These things may leave us vulnerable to being triggered if someone gives us feedback suggesting we haven’t honored those values or lived up to our self-perception.

We also want to be aware of places within ourselves and others where aspects of our identity may come into conflict. A classic example is someone who sees themselves as a good parent who’s available and present at special events for their child, and also as a good employee or team player who stays late when needed. On a day when a school event and a workplace crisis conflict, those two aspects may clash. They’ve made arrangements to be at the school but are expected to stay at work. That clash creates identity conflict.

A Balanced Sense of Self

We also need to try to develop a balanced sense of self. A balanced sense of self says: “I’m a competent person, and sometimes competent people make mistakes,” or “Caring people sometimes hurt others,” or “Good parents sometimes miss events at school,” or “Good team players sometimes leave for personal reasons.” Developing a balanced sense of self allows us to accept feedback that may feel triggering without losing our footing. You can say, “Okay, I made a mistake,” but that doesn’t mean you’re incompetent.

With that balance, you’re not defending or attacking—you’re using the information constructively. You can apologize, make corrections, learn from it, and move forward without falling into identity crisis.

In terms of other people’s identity, this means being attentive in conversation to avoid triggering someone else’s sense of self. Don’t make personal attacks, and avoid saying things that might feel personal to them. If they lose their balance—often evident when they start taking things personally—you can clarify: “I’m not saying this is about you as a whole person. I’m addressing this specific behavior as problematic.”

So, we want to be mindful: everyone has an identity. Know what yours is, because it may make you vulnerable to being triggered. Be attentive to other people’s identity issues. Try not to trigger them. And if either person does get triggered, work to regain balance by developing a balanced sense of self.

I hope those ideas will be helpful for you, and I hope you enjoy your future conversations—and that they’re not too difficult.