Webinar: Having Difficult Conversations Related to COVID-19

Workplaces are starting to re-open and with these re-openings will come some difficult conversations about physical distancing, wearing masks and other issues related to COVID-19.

Do you have a strategy to address COVID-19 related difficult conversations? Do you and your staff know what to say to an employee, colleague, client or customer who is not complying with COVID-19 protocols? Are you confident in speaking up when your health or the health of others may be at risk?

Having the ability to manage difficult conversations has always been an important skill in the workplace. However, having to speak to a colleague who is not physically distancing, a client who is not wearing a mask, or a staff member who is resistant to new health & safety protocols, are conversations that can put you and your organization’s health at risk if not handled effectively. Therefore, as workplaces transition to the ‘new normal’, having the tools and techniques to have challenging conversations is now essential to successfully navigate the new high-risk environment.

During the webinar we:
Share the E.A.S.E model to conduct challenging conversations related to COVID 19 – with ease;
Provide practical tools that you can use right away to increase your success in difficult conversations;
Give you key words and phrases that you can use – in the moment, when difficult situations catch you off guard; and
Answer some questions.

This is an opportunity for you and your colleagues to share a learning experience and leave with a common language, tools, and techniques to enhance communication in your workplace.

To learn conflict resolution skills that you can use at work and in your personal life, please visit our Alternative Dispute Resolution Workshop page to learn more about upcoming in-person and instructor-led online sessions.

To improve your negotiation skills and get the results you want while negotiating, please visit our Become a Powerful Negotiator Workshop page to learn more about upcoming in-person and instructor-led online sessions.

To gain skills to handle difficult conversations and difficult people with confidence, please visit our Dealing With Difficult People Workshop page to learn more about upcoming in-person and instructor-led online sessions.

Webinar: Having Difficult Conversations Related to COVID-19

Here’s the video link for the transcript: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Gk9d_HRx1M

{Transcript}

[Music] Hello everyone, my name is Oliver Martin, and welcome to Stitt Feld Handy Group’s Experts Corner. As I said, my name is Oliver Martin—I’m the Director of Training at the Stitt Feld Handy Group. In a little bit, you’re going to meet some of my other colleagues as panel members as we have a panel discussion on this topic.

I’m excited to join you today because, for those of you who are not familiar with the Stitt Feld Handy Group, our purpose is simple: it’s to help people live and work better together. For the last 25 years, we’ve been doing that by providing impactful and engaging learning experiences that transform the way people interact with each other. Specifically, we provide training on conflict resolution, negotiation, dealing with difficult people, how to have difficult conversations, and how to win over irate customers.

In addition, we are all mediators here, and we go into workplaces and mediate disputes between employees. So, workplace conflicts—we help transform teams so that they’re performing optimally. We also do one-on-one coaching.

Now, since March—since the pandemic—we’ve transferred all our programs and services to be delivered online. Our trainings are still engaging, and they’re done in a virtual instructor-led training format. In other words, it’s live online.

Experts Corner is simply another platform through which we help people live and work better together. Through the Experts Corner webinars, we’re able to take our 25 years of expertise around challenging conversations, negotiations, and conflict resolution, and relate them to topics relevant today.

Last month, we focused on the health and safety standards that may arise due to COVID in the workplace, and we had an expert join us to talk through that. If you missed that, it’s available on our YouTube channel.

This month, we’re going to leverage the expertise of our instructors to look at how we can have difficult conversations that may arise due to COVID-19. Now, my sense is many of you have had some of…

My first experience

These conversations already—and if you haven’t, believe me, you likely will. I know my first experience of this was back in March. So in March, in Ontario—where we’re broadcasting from because I know we have people from all around the world—we, in the middle of the month, kind of went into lockdown. This was when there was the run on toilet paper and so forth at the supermarkets.

And yes, I was one of them. I went to get my toilet paper—but really only because I didn’t want to be the last one left out. In any event, I remember going to the supermarket and getting my toilet paper and some other goodies. I’m standing in line with my cart in front of me, maintaining the appropriate physical distance. Then I remembered that my six-year-old had asked for some candies, and since we were going to be in lockdown probably for several weeks at that point, I said, “Let me get a treat.”

So I step out of line for a moment, leave my cart there, and just take about 20 steps to go and get the gummies—even some gummy bears or something he likes. As I’m walking back to my cart, I notice something: someone is walking in front of me towards my cart. Then I see them take my cart—with their bare hands—and move it out of the line so they can walk around it.

I froze for a second. I thought, “No—you don’t touch someone else’s cart with your bare hands during this time.” At least, that’s how I felt at the time. But by the time I could even formulate something to say, the person had already left the supermarket.

It was at that point that I realized: you know what? There are going to be some difficult, important conversations that need to be had during COVID-19 as a result of the pandemic. And based on my conversations with my colleagues—from stories I’ve heard, from people, and from the videos that have gone viral about some interactions in workplaces related to COVID-19—we felt that it was important for us to be able to share some skills and tools that you can use to help in those interactions.

So as a result, there’s this webinar. We also adapted a couple of our courses, which I’m going to speak to you about later. Our Winning Over Irate Customers workshop is going to have some special editions that are focused on COVID-19—having those types of challenging conversations for frontline workers. Also, there will be an Advanced Dealing with Difficult People workshop for those who have already taken our Dealing with Difficult People workshop. That’s going to focus on having those difficult conversations in the workplace.

Before I go any further, I do want to go through some logistics with you, so let me…

Logistics

Let me quickly review some logistics. I want to make something clear up front: we’ll be sharing a lot of information here in terms of skills and tools to have these conversations, but we’re by no means providing any legal advice. We recognize that, depending on where you’re watching this from, there are different bylaws, different legislations, and other protocols in place related to COVID-19. We would just offer that it’s best for you to check with your local experts on that. Our goal here is not to provide legal advice—instead, it’s to offer the skills and tools to have these conversations.

In terms of questions and answers, we do want to hear from you. There will be a point when I bring out my colleagues, and we’ll be taking some questions. So what I’d ask is that you use the Q&A button on your screen just below. You can easily click on that button and type in your question.

My colleague Mark Lawrence is standing by—he’s going to be watching the questions. When we get to the Q&A segment, he will be relaying the questions to us so we can answer them. I will note that he’s reviewing the questions, and when we respond, we might be addressing several at once. So, you may not hear your specific question verbatim, but do know that we’ll cover that question broadly. Due to time constraints, we can’t respond to each one individually, but we offer that you follow up with us by sending a quick email. We’ll be able to reach back out to you to answer any questions related to having the conversation—not legal bylaws or anything like that.

Once you’ve typed in your question, you can close the question box and focus back on the screen. Be assured that we’re going to address as many questions as possible. Our focus is on the challenging conversations that occur in the workplace related to COVID-19—whether that’s between employees or between managers and employees. So we’re really narrowing in, with the time we have today, on workplace conversations.

For those that may be interested in customer relations and those types of challenging conversations, do know that we’re going to share some resources at the end that you can leverage for those situations. We’ll also be providing you with some dates for courses in which we will spend time discussing those specific scenarios.

So, as I said…

Challenges

As workplaces are reopening, there are a lot of new health and safety protocols. Because of that, there will likely be some new and different challenging conversations that people will have to have—whether it’s around physical distancing, whether it’s around people not sanitizing shared spaces, or items being used in the office. It could also be about wearing masks.

Now, I know for some, when we say “wearing masks,” it might be as simple as just telling someone to put the mask on. And let’s be clear: in certain cases, it may be that simple. In other cases—and from what I’ve heard—it may not be all so clear-cut.

Let’s take the mask, for example. Someone’s wearing the mask… but maybe they’re wearing it like this—not covering their nose. So that’s an issue. Or maybe you’ve seen this one, where they’re wearing the mask kind of like an earring—or like a football player with a chin strap.

Now, I don’t mean to make light of it. What I’m saying is that there are different interpretations, different understandings. That may cause some of the difficulty when we have conversations around things like wearing masks or physical distancing.

So today, we’re going to provide you with a framework and phrases to help you ease into these challenging conversations regarding COVID-19. I’m going to say it again: today, we’re going to provide you with a framework and phrases to help you ease into those conversations related to COVID-19.

But right now, I want to hear from you. We want to hear from all the people who have joined us. I’m going to ask my colleague Elizabeth to share a poll so we can hear and get some of your thoughts.

In a moment, Elizabeth is going to put up a poll, and we just want to hear from you: what are your top two concerns about having challenging COVID-19-related conversations? Take a moment, click at least two of them, and let us know your thoughts.

Poll Results

At the result—yeah, making the situation worse. Look at that—47% of people listed that as one of their top concerns. One of their top concerns is, if we don’t get the conversation correct, it can make the situation worse. That can damage relationships. I see that as the next highest one, and of course, not knowing what to say.

See, when I see this, it’s clear why it’s important to have these conversations and to have the skills and tools necessary to have the conversation. Here’s what I see: I see a lot of attention—and rightfully so—being spent on, “Okay, people are coming into the workplace. Do we have the Plexiglas up? Are we going to manage how many people come into the office at the same time? And wearing masks—make sure people wear masks.” All these things are necessary for safe physical space.

But I ask you, are people spending the time equipping their staff—their colleagues—with the skills and tools to have the conversation when compliance is not met? I’m going to make a prediction here: there is going to be a time when someone is not complying, for some reason, and it’s going to be a challenging conversation.

So I ask you, are your colleagues prepared to have these conversations? Has there been attention on equipping them with the skills, tools, and phrases to have these conversations? That’s what we’re hoping to help you with at some point over the next 40 minutes.

So let me go to another poll question. Let’s get another poll question, and this poll question has to do with how you’re feeling about these conversations. So—which words best describe how you feel about having challenging COVID-related conversations? Give you a few moments to get in your thoughts…

All right—again, they’re coming in. All right, give you a few more—about 70% of people replying.

Okay—there we go. Elizabeth is sharing the poll results. So… anxious—yes, anxious and uncertain.

Anxious Uncertain

What can we expect? Of course, we’re going to be a bit uncertain about it because, again, it’s a new norm. It’s a new world—we might not be sure. I see there are some people, or at least one or two people, who feel happy about it. So that’s great to know that for some people, they might be looking forward to it. But I think the reality is, for a lot of us—or many of us—it could feel uncertain and create some anxiety.

I was reading an article by Julia Marcus—she is an epidemiologist and professor from Harvard Medical School—and she mentioned that the pandemic has people beaten down, run down from four or five months of physical distancing and, for some, isolation. Now our anxieties might be heightened. We might be a bit quicker to be triggered.

For some, when we tell people to wear a mask, it’s a reminder of, “Oh my gosh, not again.” It recalls all the work we’ve done up to this point and still, we’re not in the clear. It’s so uncertain for so many of us, and that’s creating some anxiety. For some, telling someone to cover their face feels like, “That’s my identity, and you’re telling me to cover it up.” Now, to be clear, for some people that’s fine—but it’s all these things and uncertainties that cause many of the emotions we’re feeling when it comes to having these challenging conversations. And that’s what we’re going to look at today.

So what I’d like to do is invite my colleagues to join me. They’re going to join me so we can have some discussions and provide you with the framework and phrases to ease into these conversations.

All right—look at that! I’m not alone now. I have Jason Stead and Eleanor Whitmore joining me.

Let me do some brief introductions. Eleanor Whitmore is the Vice President of the Stitt Feld Handy Group. She has a lot of expertise in having challenging conversations and designed our initial Dealing with Difficult People course and workshop. A wealth of knowledge and expertise—I’m so glad to have her joining me here on this webinar.

Also, we have the esteemed Jason Stead. Jason is one of our instructors and also an adjunct professor at the University of Toronto. Again, a wealth of knowledge in having these conversations—how to negotiate these conversations and so much more. I’d like to welcome them both to join me here this morning—well, morning for me, maybe afternoon for some people.

So why don’t we get started? And Jason, why don’t you tell us about what I hinted at when I said “ease into the conversation”? What have I been alluding to by easing into the conversation? Jason, tell us about that.

The Ease Model

Sure. Thank you, Oliver, for the introduction and the ease into this conversation—a bit about having some difficult conversations during the time of COVID. We’re going to be talking about a model that is based on the letters E, A, S, and E. You should be able to see on your screens now the initial letters E, A, S, and E for the EASE model.

If we could go to the next slide, you can see what those letters will indicate. The first E is going to stand for Emotional check-in—we’re doing an emotional check-in on yourself. The next letter, A, is going to stand for Analyzing. Next, you’ll get to an S—Speak—but speak with a question mark: Should we be speaking? And then finally, the last E—Explain.

We’ll be going a bit more into detail on what those different letters and little lines mean. Thank you, Jason.

Safety

So that’s the framework we’re going to use to help you ease into these conversations. Now, I’m going to ask Eleanor in a moment to break down the “E” and the “A,” and what that really means. But before that, I just want to remind people that, before we ease into these conversations, what’s really critical is safety.

The first thing we have to think about is safety. Am I maintaining my safety in having these conversations? By that, I mean, perhaps you need to address physical distancing with someone in the workplace because you have that colleague who keeps standing right here. Well, safety might mean—before addressing how close they are to you—if possible, take a few steps back.

Safety might mean, if you have to address someone in the workplace around wearing a mask and you think it may be at risk of escalating, perhaps safety is having a couple of other colleagues on standby in case you need some extra support. Safety could mean, “Okay, I need to have this conversation about someone not wearing a mask—maybe I need to do it over the phone instead of being too close to them.”

So, we want you to keep that in mind: it starts with safety, and then we can ease into the conversation.

Eleanor, why don’t you tell us about the first “E,” which is Emotional Check-in?

Emotional Check-In

Yeah, so thanks, Oliver. I was thinking that people might be wondering why our first step of the template is emotional check-in, although anybody who’s taken any training with me knows how much I love dealing with emotion—so maybe not surprising. But I think the reason why we started with an emotional check-in is because, if a conversation has a lot of unprocessed emotional content, it’s going to make the conversation more difficult. Health and safety issues—and COVID is clearly an example of one—tend to bring up a lot of emotional content for people.

So, if you’re heading into a conversation—and we’ve heard people say they’re feeling anxious, or they’re feeling scared, or uncertain, or angry, or frustrated—if that emotional content is present but hasn’t really been processed, the risk is that the content is going to leak out in the conversation. That’s going to have the potential to impact the way in which the message is delivered.

If I’m going into a conversation and perhaps I’m very anxious or uncertain, or I’m angry, the other person may, first of all, just pick up on the emotional content. If it hasn’t been processed, they’ll pick up on it and may simply shut down. They may not hear anything. They may get concerned themselves or afraid, and they just shut down. Or, they may only pick up on the emotional content. They might be thinking, “Gosh, she’s really angry,” or “She’s super frustrated,” and they get the emotional content—but they don’t get the message I’m trying to deliver. Certainly, they may not get the nuances or subtleties of it.

So I want to process the emotional content so that I can deliver the message in a way that increases the likelihood of it being received the way I want it to be received—and also so I don’t regret how I delivered it. So I don’t think afterward, “Oh, I got too mad,” or “I was too upset.” I don’t regret the delivery.

So I think that’s why we think it’s a good place to start.

Okay, so thank you for that, Eleanor. You’ve said a lot there, so let me ask you this: What would…

Managing Emotions

Be your advice in terms of being able to handle and address emotions—I mean, how to do the check-in. How to do the check-in. Yes, so I think the advice would be very similar to the advice that we provide generally around managing emotional content, but I’ll just, you know, in a nutshell…

I think the first thing is: just pay attention to the emotional content. So make sure that you check in with yourself—”How am I feeling?” And maybe do a little bit of a deeper dive on that. So maybe at first, you think you’re angry about having to have the conversation, but then you really realize, “It’s not that I’m so angry, it’s that I’m afraid or I’m uncertain.” So first of all, just pay attention to it.

I think the second thing is: a lot of people benefit from doing something to manage the physical response to the emotional content. So remembering to breathe and to try to slow down their breathing. Or some people might want to go for a walk around the block if they can before they have the conversation. Or they might want to stand up and shake it out—like sort of do something to get physically grounded.

And then, I think, process the emotion. And how you do that is going to depend on your personality and the circumstances. So it may be that you want to talk it through with a colleague and just explain how frustrated you are that you have to have this conversation. Or you may want to do some self-talk and process it internally. You may want to write out some notes—just something that helps you manage the emotional content.

You may decide that, in the conversation, you actually want to describe the emotional content. So you might want to say, “You know, I’m quite concerned about this situation,” or “I’m kind of frustrated that we’ve had to have this conversation a couple of times now.” So you may want to describe it—and if you’re going to describe it, you need to know what it is and think about how you’re going to say it.

So I think that would be another piece. I think the other thing is—particularly these days—I really try to keep in mind that I just think everybody is having a hard time. I think it is really hard for people out there—to varying and lesser degrees and for different reasons—but I think nobody is having a good time. And that means you can anticipate that the other person is going to have a lot of emotional content too—that they may just be upset or concerned or scared or frustrated, anxious, quite apart from this conversation.

So just being mindful of that, I think, is important as part of the check-in piece.

Yeah, so thank you for that—a lot there. And part of it depends…

Analyzing

On different strategies—so I like that there are a lot of strategies because, depending on the person and their style, they have different strategies and tools to be able to do that emotional check-in. That’s a great point: a lot of people are going through this. You know, when I watch the viral videos of people being triggered in a supermarket or other public places, there’s just so much emotion going on. So I think it’s important for all of us to kind of start with that check-in.

Then what about the “A”? Talk to us about the “A,” Amis. So I think the “A” stands for Analyze, and what we’re trying to do is remind people that you really increase the likelihood of the conversation being effective if you do some analyzing in advance—of the situation, the context, and what you’re trying to achieve.

I was thinking it might be helpful to share a couple of questions that could help people analyze the situation. I want to be clear: these questions aren’t necessarily in a specific order because I think they’re more interconnected than sequenced. But some questions that people might want to think about include:

First and foremost—what’s the goal of having the conversation? That may seem like a surprising question, but in some cases, the goal may simply be “I need that person to change their behavior right now,” and it’s a one-off—like the person who put their hands on your grocery cart. In other cases, it may be that you’re really trying to educate the person and/or persuade them to change their behavior. So it’s good to be clear about the goal.

Some of that ties into what you think might be behind the behavior—you can never be sure. What I mean by that is, on those days when we’re back in the office and I’m in the parking lot, I may see a colleague getting out of the car not wearing a mask, even though I know he’s committed to wearing one. I might think, “Oh gosh, he’s forgotten,” and just say, “Hey, I think you forgot your mask.” Because we’re going to be in situations where we might forget.

Is the person not wearing a mask because they forgot? Is it because of, for lack of a better word, ignorance—they don’t know any better yet? Or is it that I know they’ve participated in protests against mask-wearing, so I think it’s a more determined behavior? I’m going to want to try to figure out what’s behind it.

I also need to consider the fact that I may have multiple goals in the conversation. I noticed in the earlier poll that people said one of their concerns was damaging relationships. So, I may want to change the person’s behavior and maintain the relationship. Or, I may want to change the behavior but not negatively impact productivity, because if they’re mad at me, they might sabotage our project. So there may be several goals at play.

People might want to ask themselves: “Do I have an obligation to have this conversation?” If so, you’ll have to go ahead. There may be certain people in the workplace who have a legal or procedural obligation to ensure health and safety standards are met. In other cases, it may not be an obligation, but an opportunity—so you could choose to speak to your colleague about it.

Do I have the authority to require compliance? That might influence how I structure the conversation. What facts might I be missing? I know I’ve seen people not wearing masks, and I might feel concerned, but I may not realize they have an underlying medical condition. For example, my father has a health issue that prevents him from wearing a mask—his breathing is quite labored.

So it may be something like that. Stay open to the idea that you might be reacting without all the facts. I think that’s the key—ask yourself, “Do I have all the information?” Also, am I the right person to have the conversation? It may be that this is a conversation your manager should be having, and you might want to speak with them instead.

Lastly, give some thought to the process. As you said before—are you doing it over the phone? In person? Over Zoom? And what’s the right timing for the conversation?

If you consider those—and other—questions to analyze the context and your goals, you increase the likelihood of having an effective conversation.

Thank you for that, Eleanor—very detailed, with a lot for us to think about. One of the things that comes to mind, and I’m curious for your thoughts, Jason—if you have any thoughts as well—what if you want to have the conversation but realize that you don’t have the authority? For example, they don’t report to you. Does that change anything? Any thoughts on that?

Well, I think for me it’s one question to ask myself. But again, if I’m talking to a colleague I like and have a good relationship with, and I think they’ve forgotten their mask, I may have no authority to make them comply—but I don’t need authority because I think they’ll comply. I think they just forgot.

But if it’s somebody who—maybe I’ve spoken to them and they haven’t changed their behavior—or I know they have a stance against mask-wearing, then there may be circumstances where I think, “I’m not going to be able to influence them. I’m not going to be able to persuade them.” Authority may be required. And if I don’t have the authority, then I may need to go to the person who does have the authority.

Thank you for that—and just a note…

QA

Couple things when I just look at the Q&A: if you have some questions, feel free to put them in the Q&A. Some people are asking, “Will you get a copy of the slides?” Yes, we’ll be sending out a copy of the slides and the extra resources.

Just to touch back on that again, Eleanor, there’s a part of it where I’m kind of hearing that—at least at first pass—it might be about giving people the benefit of the doubt. Like, is there some information that I’m missing? Do we have different understandings of what’s going on?

I’m reminded of getting my hair cut. So I went to get my hair cut and the barber was great, had his mask on. He told me, “Oliver, it might be warm because it just came out of the dryer.” He was wearing his mask and everything. And although he was wearing his mask because there were some other people around and he didn’t want them to hear what he was saying to me, all of a sudden I see him and his face is like right here—whispering something to me.

There’s a part where, okay, yes, you have a mask, but there’s also a distance as well. Again, people may just have different visions. This person obviously was familiar with all the standards but had a different thought—or just forgot in the moment. Just because you wear a mask, you don’t have to whisper in my hair like that.

So thank you. It’s okay. Let’s move on to the “S.” Tell us about the “S” in EASE.

Sure. So the “S” is for Speak—and “Speak” with a question mark. Is this an appropriate time to speak? Is this a conversation that’s better to have now or better to have later?

Going back to the poll question about some of the biggest concerns from the group, I noted that the top ones were making the situation worse and damaging the relationship. Those are real things to take into account when you’re deciding whether now is an appropriate time to speak.

I think we’ve all experienced times where we’re in a situation and there’s something we may want to say—a conversation we may want to have. You want to get the point out to the other person, but you realize on some level that, if I speak now, that has the potential to make the situation worse. Maybe, if I had this conversation tomorrow—or maybe it’s not even a conversation that needs to be had at all—that might be a better way to think about it.

That applies in this context too. With respect to damaging the relationship, you want to think about: Would speaking now damage the relationship? And then the flip side: Would not speaking now damage the relationship?

COVID has left open a lot of situations where, say in Eleanor’s case, there’s a colleague who’s not wearing their mask. You don’t know why. You think, “I’m not going to speak to them; I don’t want to have this conversation. They’re probably someone who protests wearing masks.” So you distance yourself and avoid dealing with them. But potentially, it’s just, “I slipped my mind. I totally forgot. I’m so used to coming into the office and not wearing a mask.” Just having that conversation can help build and maintain the relationship. Avoiding it could actually damage the relationship.

So it works on both ends. You’re asking yourself, “Should I speak? What’s going to be better for the relationship? Am I going to make the situation worse?”

Thank you—I like that, because I think we don’t always consider the impacts. We think about the impacts of speaking, but not always about the impacts of not speaking. So thank you for making that very clear, and it speaks to why we have that question mark—because there’s something to think about in terms of speaking or not speaking.

What about the final “E,” Jason?

So the final “E” is getting into Explain. This is where you’re talking to the other person, assuming you’ve made the decision in the “Speak” step that yes, you are going to speak.

So if you’re going to speak, you’re going to explain some things to the other person. You want to explain how the behavior is impacting you. You may want to ask them to stop the behavior. You may want to offer a reminder. You may want to ask them questions about what’s happening—why they’re not complying, why they’re doing what they’re doing, and where that’s coming from.

One thing that’s really important with Explain is to be mindful of how you’re communicating. Over the last few months, a lot has changed with how we communicate. There’s a lot that’s different about how I’m communicating right now compared to how I would be if we were all in person together.

Another thing that’s different is wearing a mask. If I’m wearing a mask and my mouth and face are covered, you can’t tell if I’m smiling. You can’t really tell what I’m trying to portray. It’s a lot harder to read tone—even body language—through a mask. It’s harder to read nonverbal cues.

So when you’re talking, it’s important to be clear. You may need to be more expressive about your tone than you normally would be. You may also need to mention some things explicitly. You may need to say, “It’s so nice to see you,” or something similar to convey happiness. If you’re trying to convey seriousness, you may need to say something to communicate that tone directly.

There’s additional work that needs to be done, and we need to be really mindful of our tone—because people are going to have a harder time picking up on the nonverbal cues that are usually easy to detect when you’re interacting with someone in person.

Great. Thank you for that, Jason. Lots to think about with Explain. So let me just recap…

Recap

When we talk about easing into some of these challenging COVID-related conversations, what we’re saying is: only through being mindful of your safety can we begin. First, let’s do the emotional check-in. Let’s analyze what’s going on—maybe it’s giving someone the benefit of the doubt if it’s the first time—but there are some questions to guide us in analyzing it. Then, let’s determine if we are going to say something or not. Remember, even not saying anything does send a message. Then, as Jason just said, let’s explain. That is a framework that could be helpful in easing into some of these challenging conversations.

Now, the framework is not to determine what the outcome is going to be. After that, I’d say, we have to listen. So once you’ve done the explanation, let’s pause, let’s listen, and then let’s engage in further dialogue as necessary.

Now, here’s the thing I think some people are thinking—and I saw it as a question that popped up—is: we need to explain, Jason, we need to explain this stuff… but what do I say? What do I say? What are your thoughts, and what are some language and phrasing that could be helpful for us?

For sure. Part of it is dependent on the different situations. In your different contexts, you’re going to be using some different language. In terms of a couple of different ideas, one possibility is using what we call “standards of legitimacy.” What you could say is, “Our company policy is to wear a mask. Is there any reason you’re not wearing one?” That’s just putting the question to them, while referring back to something concrete. You didn’t come up with the company policy—you’re just referring to something outside of your relationship and outside of this conversation to try to be persuasive.

Another possible approach you might take in terms of explaining is taking some of the blame on yourself. You may say something like, “I have a family member who’s very vulnerable, so I have to be extra cautious.” Or you might say something like, “Maybe I’m overreacting, but if you stand back a few steps it would help me to feel more comfortable.” By not putting it on the other person, and avoiding blame or attack, they may be more likely to hear you out and listen to what you’re saying.

Let me jump in there because one of the questions that came up was, “Oliver, what did you do in that situation?”—the situation being the barber kind of right in my ear. Well, when that happened, I mostly went with the nonverbal. He saw a little flinch—but I couldn’t flinch too much, because as you can imagine, there’s a sharp object in my hair, and I didn’t want to mess up the fade. But then I took some time to think about it and said, “You know what, if he does come back to do that again,” in my mind it was going to be essentially what you were saying there, Jason: “Maybe I’m overreacting… if you can just refrain from whispering, it’s going to help me feel a bit more comfortable getting my hair cut.”

So that’s that. And I’m not sure if you could tell—the approach I took was not to get a haircut in the first place. I avoided the situation altogether—safety first, right? Just a point to steep in.

Got you. Eleanor, did you want to add one or two phrases?

I did actually, because I was remembering—thank goodness we’re all in the learning phase about how to do this—and one of the very first times I went for a walk with a friend of mine, we were going to maintain physical distance. We were out at a big park, and we started out six feet apart, but I noticed he was getting closer—because it’s just natural, right? It’s still new for us. So he was coming toward me, and I was feeling a bit awkward. I didn’t want to criticize him or anything. So then I said, “I think we’re supposed to keep the distance a little further,” and I could see that it landed a little badly.

He said, “Do you think I haven’t been careful or something?” And what I tried there—and I’ve been working on it ever since—is to be clear to people that for me, it’s as much about protecting them as it is protecting me. So absolutely, I’m hoping not to get it, but now that we know that people may be asymptomatic, I also want not to give it to somebody.

So what came up for me was just sort of saying, “I would feel terrible if I ended up giving it to you.” It’s both ways. That was one thing for me.

Then I’m also a big fan—when I can—of helping other people to save face. Again, I think for many of us, we’re going to forget, we’re going to make mistakes. This is new to us—especially when we go back to the office. It’s been a while since we’ve had to behave this way in the workplace. So I might say, “Gosh, things have changed so much since we were last in the office. It’s easy to forget your mask—I think you may have just forgotten,” or just say, “Things keep changing; it’s a lot to keep up with. I think we’re supposed to stick six feet apart,” to give them a chance to save face.

Alright, so thank you for that, Eleanor. And just so you know, we have a few more of these phrases that we’re going to share with you in our follow-up resources—which you’ll likely get tomorrow at some point. So do check that out, because you’ll see some other wording and various options that may apply to your specific situation.

I find it helpful to just have them. These conversations will happen—you just don’t know when. So by having some kind of stock phrases or wording, that can be helpful in the moment.

I’m going to go to the Q&A, but what I’m hoping at this point is that you’re starting to see how having a framework and phrases can help you ease into these conversations.

I just want to share with you a couple of other things we’re doing to help in this initiative or to help share the knowledge. We have a couple of workshops coming up—one of them is called Winning Over Irate Customers—and that’s focused…

Upcoming Workshops

For frontline staff who have to have some of these challenging COVID-related conversations with customers—whether it’s people working in retail or in a front-facing administrative role—I think back to other workshops where it could be someone in a municipality who deals with external clients over the phone. As we know, the anxiety there leads to some simple requests escalating. This is meant for that group. It’s called Winning Over Irate Customers, with a COVID-19 focus. We’re going to have a one-day session from 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. on August 24th. For those who prefer the half-day or can only allow their staff to attend for a half-day, it will be held on September 15th and 16th.

The other course that we’re offering is what I’d call an Advanced Dealing with Difficult People course—a one-day course for those who already took our Dealing with Difficult People workshop. This is now focused on difficult conversations related to COVID in the workplace—for managers, HR staff, and so forth. It’s an enhancement of the three-day workshop you would have taken before. You’re going to get details on this in the follow-up email, but I just wanted to announce it to you on the webinar today because you’re going to have first access to register. We’re not going to be releasing this to the public until Friday afternoon, so now is your window. The investment is $425, which I think is a good investment for one full day or two half-days.

Okay, let’s look at the Q&A. We have a couple of minutes, so for those who have to head out at 11:45, that’s fine—feel free to say goodbye. You’re going to get some follow-up resources. We will take a couple of questions for those who sent some in. I know we’ve answered some along the way.

One of the questions for the panelists is: How does one keep their emotions in check and not get angry in the moment? Since Eleanor, you spoke about emotions, I’m going to put that question to you.

Yeah, so I guess I would say it’s really hard to do. I think the best thing you can do is try to anticipate if you’re going to get angry. As I said, figure out what’s going to work for you to manage that emotional content. It may be, sometimes, that you need to articulate it—to just say to the person, “I’m finding myself getting a bit angry here.” Sometimes even saying it aloud will help release it a little. There may be other times when you just say, “I think we’re going to have to continue this conversation later.” So you may not be able to continue the conversation.

I think it’s okay to have the emotional content. It’s about whether you can process it to the degree that you are still able to have the conversation effectively. Sometimes, the emotional content is important feedback for people. The fact that you’re angry is important for them to know and understand—you just don’t want to deliver it in an extremely angry way. That’s where we get into trouble. So those would be some top-of-mind thoughts.

All right, thank you for that, Eleanor. A couple more questions—in the framework, can this be used to also identify whether you should speak or communicate in other ways, such as writing? Jason, why don’t I put that to you?

Yeah, so given that the “Speak” part of EASE includes a question mark, I think it’s a good question. The answer doesn’t necessarily mean “Yes, I want to speak out loud.” The answer could be, “Maybe this conversation is better to have over video,” where you’re speaking but not in person—maybe because there’s a safety concern. Maybe there are reasons why it would be better to answer in writing. Maybe it’s better to say something to them in writing. And again, going back to the earlier comment about authority, maybe it’s better to bring it up to somebody else.

Those are all considerations you want to think about in terms of “Should I be speaking?” or “What approach should I be taking?” What’s important to keep in mind is: whatever approach you’re taking, that’s an approach. That’s a decision you’re making to do something. Deciding not to do anything is still a decision. Deciding to do something by writing is still a decision.

All right, thank you for that, Jason. I realize we’re at 11:45. I will take a couple more questions. Again, if we don’t get to your question, feel free to just take the same question and email it to us. I see a few that are a bit more specific, and I think would be worth a conversation—so definitely open to having that conversation.

Here’s a question, and it looks like it’s back to you, Eleanor. Emotions—Is the emotional check-in only for us, or are we also checking in on the individuals?

Yeah, so this is a great time to maybe just put forward a quick reminder that the EASE template is about what we’re doing to prepare for the conversation and get the conversation started. It doesn’t go as far into the conversation itself. So in theory, the check-in is for ourselves—this is how we’re preparing.

But I think the question is an excellent reminder that we may want to check in with the person during the actual conversation. I did say, as part of the prep, at least be mindful that chances are they have a lot of emotional content. Whether you want to check in with them or not will depend on the circumstances. But absolutely, I think it’s a good thing to think about—whether you might want to say, “How are you doing these days?” or “What feelings are coming up for you around wearing a mask?” or whatever it is. But to explicitly check in with them—absolutely.

All right, thank you. So let’s end on this question. I think it’s one that several people might be thinking about: How do I have these conversations when people are aggressive, passionate, or borderline violent?

Again, let me put that out to the panel. Who wants to take the first stab at that one?

I’ll take a crack at it, and then I’m going to hope Jason will have a chance to answer with some reflection.

You know, I feel very differently when the word passionate is used than when we transition to borderline violent. I think when we talk about borderline violence—you’d mentioned safety before, Oliver—and I think you were speaking more specifically, like, “Do I feel safe with respect to COVID? Do I need to keep my six feet of distance from this person?” But this is a reminder that safety is in all categories. So if I think somebody might be potentially violent, that’s going to have an enormous impact on whether and how I have the conversation.

Do I do it over Zoom instead of in person? If I have to do it in person, do I want somebody else there? If there’s any risk of violence, I think that’s a whole different thing than if I just think this person feels very strongly about the issue but can manage not to be violent.

In that case, I think the advice is just to acknowledge it. Just say, “My sense is that you feel very strongly about this,” to convey that you’ve registered how passionate they are about it. Then say, “Can you tell me more about why you feel strongly?” or “I’d like to understand that better.”

Again, we come from the perspective that the best way to persuade someone is to understand where they’re coming from—to understand their perspective. So if I just thought they had a very strong view, I’d acknowledge it and inquire about it. But if it’s violence—that’s a different matter.

Thanks so much. Jason, did you want to jump in?

Yeah—just to sort of add on, because I agree with what Eleanor was saying. But the mentality of de-escalating some of those situations—again, if it’s a violent situation, you want to be thinking safety first. You don’t want to be having the conversation when someone is throwing punches. That’s not the situation anyone should be in.

I think going back to what Oliver talked about—some of those viral…

Viral Videos

Videos that we all see it does seem to me sometimes like the focus of the person the camera is to get a viral video and they’re more focused on how can I get a good funny viral video that’s gonna get me a lot of likes on Twitter rather than okay this person’s clearly really upset this person’s clearly really bothered is there something that we can do to put forward to demonstrate to them that we’re willing to hear them out where maybe they’re so passionate because they feel like nobody’s listening and being open to listening hearing them out can I would say potentially be helpful again not in those necessarily violent situations but maybe in the more passionate situations and what you’re hearing from both of my colleagues is there’s a part about this that’s about de-escalation and unfortunate we don’t have the time to talk about that but we do talk about those in our workshops how to de-escalate people so that now they’re engaged and having some of these conversations I recognize it seems challenging at the outset but that’s kind of the first step to be able to start to engage with people I see one question that’s just a quick answer and that’s to take the advanced training do I have to take the dealing with difficult people workshop first short answer is yes because this one day and it’s a bit less than one day from about 9:00 to 3:00 p.m. is going to pick up we’re assuming that you have the knowledge and content from before and we’re taking from there so that’s the short answer let me take a moment to thank my colleagues here both Jason and Eleanor I know mark has been behind the scenes responding to some of you with your questions for those who still don’t get their question answered again a reminder do reach out to us we’d love to be able to connect with you if you haven’t figured it out we like talking about this stuff and we really do want to help people to interact better together we want to end by doing a last poll and this poll is just to give us some information that can help us with future webinars so it’s gonna ask you for some possible webinar ideas based on some ideas that we thought of and some other things if you can take your last 90 seconds to fill out that poll we’d be eternally grateful thank you so much for joining us on experts corner and we’re looking forward to seeing you at a future expert corner or at one of our workshops thank you so much thank you all good luck thank you everyone.